To everyone who posted comments or sent me emails on Friday’s comic and post, thank you. It means a lot to me. Your stories and encouraging words hit home with me and several commenters as well. It created an awesome community of supportive people, which is always a great thing. I will continue to work to stay up here out of the well and help anyone else who needs a sympathetic ear. Like I said, we can all do this.

Today brings another installment of the Form Letter Chronicles featuring a variation on one of the most iconic items in history of gaming.

I have a love/hate relationship with the Deck of Many Things. Over the years as a player, I have run across the deck a few times (drawing a few cards each time because why the hell not). As a DM, I have used the deck twice. In every instance, the deck produced some of the greatest gaming stories I have ever been privy to and in every instance the deck RUINED THE CAMPAIGN.

Every time.

It raises the question as to why DM’s would ever inject such a tool of pure chaos into a campaign and expect anything less but I think that is the appeal. There is a genuine sense of excitement that comes along with drawing cards, gambling with your characters life, and possibly hitting the mother load. Sure, you could end up nude, broke, soulless, dead, or worse but when that deck of cards hits the table, 90% of the gamers walking the planet lose their shit. We abandon reason (DMs and players alike) but like I said, I think that is the fun of it all and really, when it comes down to it that is what it’s all about.

Everyone should experience the deck once in their lives. Once.

As for the Deck of Many Flings, that was a legit half-joking proposal I made to a gaming publication for a February issue. They could have at least kissed the rejection letter with some lipstick in honor of the occasion. I know folks will ask, so here is full list of the cards and their effects.

  • Balance – Changes the character’s sexual habits (the chaste become promiscuous, vice versa)
  • Comet – If the character’s next orgasm occurs during a meteor shower, gain a level.
  • Donjon – Don Johnson appears. Let fate take it’s course.
  • Euryale – Causes a permanent penalty on all saving throws vs. disease
  • Fates – The Fates arrive and they are ready to party. When the party ends, they divine your next sexual encounter.
  • Flames – It’s as bad as you think it is. You’ll need to see a cleric no lower than 14th-level.
  • Fool – A spectral prostitute appears, seduces you, and takes all of your gold.
  • Gem – A wealthy patron offers to trade you immense wealth for a single favor. A sexy favor.
  • Idiot – The character’s Intelligence score is permanently lowered and you forget how to have sex.
  • Jester – The opposite sex finds you hilarious. This does not guarantee sexual encounters but it does give the character a +4 bonus on all Charisma-based checks.
  • Key – No chastity belt is safe from your charms.
  • Knight – A handsome knight appears to love you, valorously.
  • Moon – You now like big butts and you cannot lie (about that).
  • Rogue – An NPC friend will attempt to seduce the characters lover.
  • Ruin – The Terrasque appears and is ready to get it in there. Run.
  • Skull – Undead creatures love you. LOOOOOOVE you.
  • Star – You are transported to the Midnight Glade. The Fey King Winter is here. Seduce him and gain a level.
  • Sun – You are transported to the Marital Meadow. The Fey Queen of Summer is here. Do it up, Tiger and gain a level.
  • Talons – DICK TALONSSSSSSSSSSSS. DICK TALONS!
  • Throne – The characters Charisma increases by 4 points and they now own a high-class bordello in a capital city. Nothing trashy. All classy.
  • Vizier – The character learns the secrets to satisfying any lovers deepest desire and is immune to all sexually transmitted diseases.
  • The Void – You no longer derive any pleasure from sex.